Have you ever seen two women, similar in background and talent, but one excels while the other seems to do just alright? Or maybe you have been one of those women and wondered what the difference was between average results and spectacular ones. On the surface, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, but you only need to dig a little deeper – and listen for the differences in how they speak and think – you’ll find the clues that make all the difference. I am intrigued by the nuances in what successful women do differently. And I’ve spent quite a few years combing through research and interviewing women. There are many differences, but here are the big three:
- They explain their successes and failures in a distinct and empowering way.
They attribute their successes to personal traits and see them as repeatable. They attribute failure to changeable factors and see them as isolated incidents. This allows them to turn today’s failures into lessons that create future successes while average women will often see failure as a personal flaw. Psychologists call it “explanatory style” and you can pick up on it just by listening to how someone explains a success or a failure. An optimistic explanatory style can predict success and tends to explain successes by attributing to their own efforts, believing it will spill over into similar successes in other areas and that success will keep flowing. A pessimistic explanatory style tends to explain successes in the opposite way – attributing it to luck and outside circumstances and seeing it as an isolated incident that may be hard to pull off again. Interestingly, those same pessimists explain failure the way optimistic women explain success – believing it is entirely a result of their own personal (failing) traits, that it will spill over into other areas and that it will keep happening.
- They don’t underestimate themselves.
Research shows women are far more likely to underestimate themselves and their worth. As a result, we are less likely to believe we are ready for opportunities that we are actually qualified for, more likely to take the first salary offered without negotiating for more, and less likely to speak up with our great ideas and opinions. The most successful women recognize that they have far more potential than even they know. So they are willing to risk failure and imperfection in order to go for it. Success is more likely when you adopt what researchers call a “growth mindset,” in which your current success is just a starting point. A “fixed mindset” believes that things such as your talent and intelligence are set. A growth mindset believes that your current talent and intelligence can expand – with effort and intentional learning. You don’t have to be afraid of that opportunity because you don’t have the skills right now. You can learn and grow into potential the opportunity offers.
- They consider happiness a success strategy.
The most successful women do not fall into the trap of pursuing success because they believe it will make them happy. Instead, they recognize that it is actually happiness that causes success. They pursue what brings them joy, knowing the rewards will follow. Research actually shows that happier people are more likely to get promotions and raises, take action towards their goals, have stronger relationships, fight illnesses better and even live longer. Start with happiness and success will follow.
My challenge to you this week:
Stop underestimating yourself. You are capable of far more than you know.
Journaling assignment:
What would it look like to focus on happiness more than “success” right now? In what way(s) are you underestimating yourself? In your most recent success or failure, did you explain it in a way that empowered you – or did you feel discourage? What change could you make that would empower you to learn and grow from the experience?
All of this and more can be found in my book Successful Women Think Differently .
